Not Goodbye….. It is See You Later….

It is not like it was a surprise. I had been talking about this moment coming for months. It is expected that we are on borrowed time when you have a 15 year old fur kid. But why does it still hurt so much ?

I once was told that “grief is love with no where to go.” 

On August 11th , I said ” see you later my sweet girl”, to one of my own. Although I was  blessed to  have a love like hers for 15 years. A presence of unconditional joy through marriage, vet school, children…. many many military moves… I cried hard and ugly and questioned if I could do this again.

Its normal, with grief we try to negotiate out of the pain, the if, why and how could we have avoided this, but there are no regrets.

In end, she crossed at home on a literal pile of duck donuts, in the warmth of the sun in her garden. My salty tears and ugly cries were unyielding, but I felt a sense of relief that she no longer struggled to walk to catch her breath, that the nights were no longer long or confusing and that she was free.  There is no time limit to grief, to finding a new normal. There is no right or wrong to deciding to adopt again or decide against it. 

I choose to remember the good, to laugh at the memories and to focus on the 15 years we shared vs the single day we parted. But I also chose to be patient with myself, allow myself to grieve  and to be open with others about it. I wear many hats BUT for my MADDIE girl, the hat of “mom” was my favorite, and the one I will always cherish.