Guiding Our Children Through Grieving the Loss of a Pet

By Dr Melissa Shaughness DVM- Angel Pets 

Navigating a goodbye to a beloved pet feels difficult enough as it is. When our children, who look to us to have all the answers, ask questions about death and saying goodbye, we can sometimes feel like we come up short as parents. As a young mom and a hospice veterinarian, I can say with complete honesty that saying goodbye to a family pet and guiding your children through the grieving process may be one of the most difficult things you do as a parent. However, I am also here to empower you to do it with grace, compassion, and empathy. 

By reading up on this topic, you’re already doing the most important step in preparing: gaining knowledge on this difficult topic. Let’s go through some of the most common questions I get as a hospice veterinarian guiding my clients through their own grief alongside their children’s grief. 

Should I tell my children ahead of time and should they be present for the euthanasia? 

My answer to this is twofold. Number 1: trust your parental instinct. You know your child more intimately than anyone else on the planet. If you have an initial gut instinct to absolutely include them or not, trust your gut and go with it. Do not feel shame for feeling like you want to protect your child’s memory of your beloved pet by sending them to school or daycare that day. Every child and every age are different, and it is okay to trust your gut. 

Number 2: if you don’t have a very strong gut instinct initially, or if you feel some ambiguity, then it may be worth it to include your child in the decision-making process. Talk to them about how your pet is sick and see how they respond. Discuss your goals as a family (usually to prevent suffering and say goodbye peacefully and with dignity.) 

Regularly check in with your child during this conversation and ask them how this makes them feel. Help them name the emotions “You feel sad knowing we won’t see her when you get home from school.” “You feel empty knowing she won’t snuggle with you at night.” 

Naming the emotions will help your child begin to process things and aid you in deciding whether or not they should be included on the day you say goodbye. Remember your job is to empower them to feel their emotions and weigh in on whether they want to be present. Your job isn’t to fix their emotions or hide things from them. 

How should I word it when I talk to young children about death? 

It’s best to be very direct when communicating to children about death. Avoid any associations with sleep as in “Fluffy will be put to sleep.” 

I always bring coloring books with me to give out to families that are about losing their pet. The coloring book is titled “My Pet Died.” I always tell my clients “I know the title is kind of funny because of how blunt it is, but that’s how kids talk!” 

Your child will appreciate your simplicity and honesty. For example, some children benefit from an explanation like, “Fluffy has been sick for a long time now. The medications we are giving her are not helping anymore. We are going to call a doctor to come out to the house to help Fluffy die peacefully while she is at home with us, surrounded by our love. When she dies, her body will be done living, her heart will stop beating, and she won’t wake up. That’s what it means to die.” 

If you believe in heaven, I encourage you to openly discuss this with children as well. “Fluffy will be able to go to heaven where she will have no pain and will be an angel watching over you for your whole life.” Make sure you approach this subject after you have thoroughly described to your child that Fluffy’s body is stopping, her heart is not beating, and she will not come back to this world. She will not wake up again. Young children (usually 8 and under) may need this repeated many times.  Do not skip the hard part of describing death in a literal sense and making sure your child understands that. It may take them months or even years to fully grasp the concept that death is permanent and irreversible, and that’s okay. 

Avoid lying and always remember to be honest with your child. Don’t blame the veterinarian or pose that maybe Fluffy ran away because this can make your child hesitant to trust doctors in the future or make them remain always searching for Fluffy. 

Can my child be present just for the beginning and then leave? 

Absolutely. There is no pressure for anyone to stay for the duration of the appointment. We will sit down and get to know you and your pet, walk you through the entire appointment process, and answer any questions you and your children may have. 

We usually give two injections – the first is a concoction of pain meds to allow the patient to gradually fall asleep over several minutes. Sometimes children want to stay for this part and then elect to leave after the patient is in a deep, comfortable sleep. 

Sometimes children say they will leave after Fluffy is asleep but then change their mind when they see how peacefully and beautifully things are going. It’s important to encourage your child to follow their feelings and stay as long as they want to, knowing there’s no pressure either way. 

How can I involve my child in the appointment? 

I encourage children to be as involved as they want to be. Children benefit from having a creative outlet for their grief. We can give them clay to roll into a ball to create a clay pawprint, and at the end we can let them have fun making paint or ink pawprints and nose prints to commemorate their beloved pet. 

Some children benefit from writing a letter to their pet and tucking it in with them as they go to the funeral home for cremation. Some children benefit from writing a note to thank Fluffy for all the memories and reading it out loud as Fluffy falls asleep. 

Asking your child what their favorite memories are of Fluffy is a great way to bring up laughter and fondness as they prepare for their grief. 

How do I handle the difficult transition in the days and weeks after we say goodbye? How can I help my child mourn?

Remember to remind your child that it is important to let yourself feel ALL emotions. Listen to them and help them name their emotions. Give them the space to have and acknowledge and feel their own emotions, then let them know how you are feeling. Let them know you are sad too. 

Many times, losing a pet is a child’s first experience with death. Establishing healthy means of emotional processing of grief can set them up for success when they inevitably experience death and loss later in their lives. They will remember that they will feel powerless, but that they are strong enough to get through it. Remind yourself that you are doing a HUGE service to your child by involving them and loving them through this difficult process, rather than hiding anything from them during this vulnerable. 

All in all, you are capable of guiding your child through their grief, even if it doesn’t feel like it. If you need help, reach out. Remember that your veterinarian is there to help their patient AND help you as a client. We can answer specific questions to give you closure, we can provide reassurance where your family may feel doubt, and we can provide you further resources about grieving the loss of a pet if you need it. Everyone grieves differently and has different needs, and you’re never alone in this heartbreaking process. Your children will thank you later, when they realize what it means to heal, and when they learn how strong they are after going through this experience with you.